I was eighteen when I gave birth to my daughter, Chloe Elizabeth. I had not discussed the birth in any great detail and although I had read many articles and books, these tended to be fairly mainstream and medically oriented. I did not consider a homebirth as I felt I wasn’t confident enough and I knew that I could not depend on support from my then partner, who had made it very clear that he would not intervene for me or even speak when medical staff were present. My confidence was particularly low at this point, and I chose to give birth in my local hospital maternity unit, with the option to transfer to a much larger hospital if necessary.
My daughter was due on June 12th, and I was due to sit an exam on this day. Throughout my pregnancy, I had spoken to my baby and explained that she was welcome and loved but that it would be really helpful if she could wait a day or two beyond her due date! She listened... After the exam, I had lunch with my mother. Perhaps for the first time in my pregnancy, we discussed the future and I felt relaxed and calm knowing that my exam had gone well and that my baby would soon arrive. I had no signs of labour and thought that perhaps I would be able to enjoy a couple of weeks of pregnancy without the worry of studying hanging over me.
That evening, while on the phone to my sister, my waters broke suddenly. I was shocked by the suddenness of it, having had no warning whatsoever, and after speaking with my midwife, I went to the hospital for a check-up. I was monitored briefly and warned that it could take a while for labour to establish, and advised to try to sleep. Returning home, my partner watched television and I tried to sleep, and my contractions started. As my contractions became more regular, I suddenly felt very insecure and unprepared. On contacting my midwife, I was advised that I should try to rest. I tried to have a bath but the pain increased and I vomited, I believe as a result of fear.
My contractions were short, buzzing pulses, close together but not lasting for any length of time. At 3am, I contacted my mother, who drove my partner and I to the hospital. The midwife on duty was surprised that I was 3cm dilated already, and therefore I was ‘allowed’ to stay in the hospital. I felt very fragile and afraid and was grateful that I didn’t have to return home again. I was offered a bath for pain relief and although I had never considered a water birth, I immediately realised that I wanted to stay in the water until my baby arrived.
I was offered various pain relief options and decided to use Entenox, which stabilised my panic and allowed me to focus on my body rather than my fears. I felt ready to push quite soon but was told not to be ridiculous (!). I was eventually checked, at my insistence, by a reluctant midwife who thought I would be only slightly further on that I had been at admission. To her surprise, but not mine, I was fully dilated and therefore was ‘allowed’ to push. I think I panicked at this point, I tried to keep focused – I had brought a baby shoe with me and tried to focus on this - but I feel that this stage was very ‘directed’ and I was unable to listen to my instincts. Throughout this time, my partner was encouraged by the midwives to support me, and tried to do so, but also expressed frustration with me, which further inhibited me.
The ‘second stage’ of labour lasted a very long time and the midwives repeatedly suggested that I get out of the water. I felt certain that I would be unable to cope without the water for pain relief and insisted on staying in the bath, alternately lying on my back and being on all fours. I suspect that if the bath had been bigger, I could have moved into other positions which would have helped labour to progress more effectively. It was very difficult for me to maintain my perspective at this time and I felt that this stage would last forever. I was certain that I would be unable to make any progress and give birth to my baby.
Eventually the baby started to crown and I expected her arrival to be imminent, but was further confused and frustrated when her head moved back and forth for what felt like a long time. I hadn’t expected this, so felt very out of control at this point. When her head crowned fully, her body followed very quickly. I was on all fours at this point and the midwife explained that she would pass her under the water through my legs so that I could lift her, but I was so exhausted and confused that I turned around, almost kicking her! I sat upright, and she was placed on my chest.
The cord was cut quite quickly, although I had not wanted it to be, but I didn’t notice as I was so overwhelmed by my tiny slippery girl. I held her and kissed her and she was wrapped in a towel while the placenta was delivered. The pool was drained, removing the water which was my pain relief, and I was given syntometrine. The midwife pulled very hard on the cord and the placenta came away very painfully. This stage felt so brutal to me that I refused the stitches that were recommended for my second degree tear.
I breastfed Chloe soon after her birth and spent a couple of days in the hospital with her, being told off by midwives for having her in the bed with me! When I introduced her to my family, they immediately bonded with her and my mother was extremely supportive and helpful, having been a breastfeeding counsellor and attachment parent for many years. However, my early parenting experiences were coloured by the feeling that I had to prove myself capable, and I didn’t admit how powerless this birthing experience had made me feel for a number of years.
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